Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I Hate Feeling this Way

Damn it. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. I should be happy for Noah and Rogan. I should be patting them on the back for finding a woman who can love them for who they are. But the truth is, I'm not happy. In fact, I'm damned depressed.

Oh, I put on a pretty face, I smile and congratulate them on their good fortune. I don't want them to see how I really feel. There's a deep, gnawing loneliness eating me from the inside. It's no secret I hate myself. I can't even stand looking at my reflection in a mirror. It's been so hard coming to grips with the fact I'm now a shifter--a cougar.

I hate the taste of blood, and yet I crave it at the same time. It's a Herculean effort to keep myself from shifting and hunting at any given time, and I'm scared as shit I'm going to crave being a cougar more than being a man. How can a woman accept that? I'd be terrified I might do something to her in my shifted state.

For me, it's hopeless. There isn't a woman on Planet Earth who will look at me like Lanie and Marlie look at Noah and Rogan. Each time I watch them embrace, a little jealous dagger pierces my heart and I can't help it. I want to be close to someone, I want someone to love me. But how can I ask that of them? How can they love me when I don't even love myself?

I'm dead inside. Perhaps there is no hope for me. I should resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life.

Jesus, I hate feeling sorry for myself! Snap out of it, Wade. You're more of a man than that. Heheheh, now THAT'S amusing, isn't it?

~~Wade McAllister


Blogger Cathy said...

Love getting scoop about Wade.

6:51 PM  
Blogger Becka said...

Thanks, Cathy! I've been thinking more and more about him, since the third book is ABOUT him. :P And I have to start writing it at some point. So I wanted to flesh him out a bit more by giving him some insight into his feelings at seeing both Noah and Rogan with someone.

He's a very conflicted hero. He knows what he wants but it scares the shit out of him. He'll be a lot of fun to write.


7:49 PM  

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